~Black & Blue~

Do you see me
sitting in this dark room with only one light
Do you see me
staring at the mirror smoke blurring my sight

I see another world not where we live or feel
i see the dead linger on, if only my face - were to peel
i see another girl - black eyes and auburn hair
i see myself being ripped to shreds, with only my soul to bear

Do you see me
walk through open doors
Do you see me
stand up straight on crystal floors

I see another mirror, a portal to my soul
i see the lights play slowly, the image now is whole
i see another girl - blue dress and glittered skin
i see myself the maiden, the second aspect of my sin

Do you see me - the only way i do
do you see me - the only way i see you.

~The dispOsable X~

i have begun to ponder after many conversations with an array of personalities, about the repetitive use of mentioning an ex in a chat, that has no bearing on things of the past. so i began to wonder about the stigma attached to always wanting what you don't think you can have and always being attracted to those that have hurt and almost destroy your heart. what is the fascination we have with all things that are bad for us?

it is a known fact that if we love someone we immediately become slaves to an emotion that seems to devour every logical way of thinking.This being said - what exactly is Love? My father always reminds me that Love is just a feeling - LOVE IS JUST A FEELING!!! so what does this mean does it have an expiration date like any other fickle emotion, jealously, guilt, sadness, doubt...and then i started to think really think, how many times have you been in love? how many times have you seen your friends fall in love and out of love? it happens all the time. there is no warning to say if your 'love' is going to last longer than any other person's. It happens every second of the day people are getting their hearts broken and moving right along to the next person.

But what about those that are left behind, those that don't seem to move along faster than average. How do they get back their life, their power and hopefully find true love. Tests done on college students say it took the average student the length of the relationship divided by 3 to get over their ex. This in my personal experience is about right, although my madness did leak into a few more months.

the only way to move forward is to stop thinking about them and start thinking about yourself. Do you really think they stay up all night wondering about you, fantasizing about your future together and how wonderful life could be - hell no! in my opinion, people will always do what they want, regardless of anyone else...yes maybe some of us are emotional door mats but the average person is not going to think about you when deciding whats going to make them happy - unless you do make them happy.

love is just a feeling yes, but it can take away months of our lives, raping us of our youth because we're too depressed to think about anything else or make us so violently insane people begin to think that we really have been chemically effected by the break up. Don't sell yourself short, your misery is already bringing the 'breaker upper'' the greatest joy, do you really want this person to revel in your emotional demise. don't get me wrong, i am not implying that you should brush your feelings aside but rather just deal with it, talk it out, get a hobby even if it has to be a destructive one...kick-boxing perhaps..throwing things from the roof to watch them crash..maybe?, but change, change the way you view yourself first because self pity and guilt will eat at you till you are nothing more than the remnants of a ''teenage love affair''.

~my asian persuasion~

it should only be fitting that i start my narration of this year with my most recent adventure....my Asian persuasion - my trip to china! This trip came at a time when my heart desperately needed a distraction and what better way than to forget the past...china called for business and i was more than happy to lend my opinionated character to all facets of work. So i left, completely bewitched and strangely in total denial till the very moment i stepped onto Chinese soil. My encounter with traveling in solitude left me dazed and confused, literally!! the only way i could brave the airports, strangers and authorities was to over-indulge in my old friend, and all time favorite drug - Myprodol.

So maybe i took more than prescribed and maybe when i looked out the window the clouds were smiling back at me, but i had a wonderful 'trip', fast flight no conscious thought! i reached china with much enthusiasm, met up with a friend had an hour to regroup and i was off. Dinner in china - not what i expected, chicken knuckles tempura style, i had to try it i had to try everything Chinese. Forget about jet lag or sleeping or the fact that my legs were numb i drifted down the river for a boat cruise and saw the city in lights - beautiful! Advertising never looked this nice! I later hit the ha ha club which is a completely different experience to any of the clubs in Durban. Chinese youth have an obsession with the drinking game liar liar and play it everywhere, even at night, in the club, while a Chinese singer promotes some pop English song better than the original artist.

My week slowed down and i enjoyed my favorite past time bargain shopping! The rush i got from that endeavor, no high could ever meet. i did business made some new lucky finds, knowing very well when i get back i will FINALLY be recognized as a vital asset in a once male dominated industry. China opened my eyes, there's no super rich, no super poor. everyone eats, food is cheap and there is no crime. something we can learn from visiting other countries is the way they see things, the way they view life....two very important things i have learnt is food should always be cheap, no one should ever go hungry, such a simple concept that our country fails to provide. And finally dont think just do! the Chinese don't mull over ideas and thoughts, the minute they think it, its put in to action...the economy is booming - there is more movement there then anywhere else in the world. No one is loitering around everyone is on a mission, everyone has a purpose, no one gossips, the only thing important to the Chinese is family and work!

There is a lot to be learnt from traveling yes i went for business but i came back with a wealth of knowledge that for me, is super priceless.

~the raping of my blogs virginity~

As I sway through the streets of my life I begin to wonder, about me - my drrty littered thoughts, about everyone else and why we are, the way we are and why we seem to exist in a parallel stratosphere of ourselves. I have slowly enjoyed the idea that every one of us is hiding inside, a doppelganger, a part hidden so well even we never dare to look at! But its there, be it the demoness that prowls over the excitement when night falls or the secret mistress of our thoughts, that twists the minds of others. We all have her, call her what you will, she is the side of every women that answers those penetrating questions, a side we all have but are too kitten to embrace...be brave..Follow me - Its time to investigate the female prowess of THE CATTS MEOW!!!