~The women i've loved~

My favourite memories
many phases gone by
have been various women
most of those friendships - did die

I'd like to think
the women I've loved
reveled in suffering
but still rose heights above

it's a little known fact
I'm attracted to beauty
pain and fire
these are the things - that make us wiser

seven years and three times over
lessons taught - some short
but never - not one in vain
these women bind me ritually sane.

~Another Suitcase~

This yo-yo diet of love and hate
has slipped into a dangerous weight,
the lies you purged - weighed down on me
split my tongue with misery

i tried to hold the air so still
so the tension u leave - wont dare to build
you told me ’’everything will be Ok’’
’’we’re not the only ones that need to be saved’’

i found myself relying on on every breathe - every sigh
i told myself ’’Just hang on - don’t cry’’
you took me in with your words of love
you spat me out - as if i would never be enough

i watched myself let go of your hand
i gave you up - like a sacrificed lamb
i told you ’’maybe in the future - someday’’
i threw your suitcase and said ’’Go on - you cant stay’’

~Spring skips a beat~

what is this life we live?? is it the sound of bat wings on a cold winters night -- the shadow that dances from dawn to dim light -- the fire that smokes up the icy cold air -- the song your friend sings your heart can not bare -- what is this life ...we live to last -- but a motion of things that soon dearly pass***

~Table for two~

table for two - we sit across the room
table for ten - its only you that sees our doom
i watched you watching me
your smile hiding secretly

i smelt your scent travel with ease
from your corner table
it wrapped around my knees
i waited for the food to come

without any temptation my eyes
were alive
sipping martinis
tasting the drunk olives
smelling the freshly cut chives

i watched you watching me
a room filled with faces,
yours - caught my eye
""table for two please!!"" - before i surely die.

~Just walk away~

Dragging my dead body of thought
from one room to the next
the truth serum hit me
before i could forget

i hitched my skirt up higher
and pierced nails into thigh
with everything you left me
i could do nothing but cry

your sad hello - your drunken good-bye
how was i to know you had a plan to hide
i left you wanting more than you ever desired
you left me saving drips of what had transpired

i had no real reason to let you go
but my heart echoed this repetitive show
my head told me - sit down and stay
but my heart screamed - just bloodly walk away.

~Truth be tOld~

truth be told
i always knew you were a little slow
truth be told
i always knew you would grow too old
truth be told
i always liked the under-shaded life
truth be told
i always fashioned my life for no strife

truth be told
i see you fading in your 'fame'
truth be told
i see your eyes dying into lame
truth be told
i see you trying too hard to contain
truth be told
i see you lying to reach your claim

truth be told
you would be better if you slowed down
truth be told
you would be happier if you gained a pound
truth be told
we would be friends if you never frowned
truth be told
when you lied you caused this row.

~My mother never ~

a beautiful Chinese caftan draped her body
she drifted across the room with grace and music
the taste of wine lingered in the air
my mother was more beauty than beauty was fair

she spoke about a love’s obsession
a man so bold he stole her heart with passion
she told me stories of things that past
how this tortured man won her heart

a wicked education i got from her
many mistress’s my mother had to bear
i drunk from the juice of her life
so that mine would cause me no strife

my mother never lied - the stories she told
have made me wise from the earth of my soul
my armour i wear battered and bruised
but no man will ever make me a fool.

~Red Light WhOre~

Tacky make-up and messy boy hair
she wanted to be called - a dyke
clothes wrapped around like cello-tape
everything was a little bit - too tight

red lips wore her sin
her game was men to win
penis was always the prize

taxi hookers, drug pushers
people she found on the net
this girl was by no means fussy
her sex was always to-let

i'd always thought her a little brash
that unintelligent speech
but i guess when men look at her
they don't really care if she speaks

betrayal is the hardest pill
i'd never wish a foe to swallow
but i guess you've never met this shlore
red light on - green light whore.

~Gutted~

the line follows me to the bathroom
like smoke reversing into a flame
i don't usually hang out in quarters of such disdain
but i like to watch

watch the dirty boys filter in
hover over stools of hollow buckets
smeared with the mud and the shit of others
you see their fate unroll

you see their destiny unfold
as if to make the night rush faster
you purge your sins of late
but nothing in this world will cause you more hate

i find myself numb at the sound of your gut
for in your pain - i enjoy the silence
your familiar face
that heart-wrenching rush.

~Seduced by my instincts~

As if the wind had danced in swirls - pushing against her furry body
she balanced her stride and only thought of one voice
the voice - that could carry her home

she strutted through the wind swept meadow
keeping her eyes fixed on the horizon
there were no animals that kept her heart company
only the hard air like a beating drum from the skies
her thoughts were pure and focused
her limbs keen and study

she blessed herself with thoughts of encouragement
little mantras and cheers to keep her going on
the journey she started not too long ago was almost at an end
this sorrowed her to a point
but she was not one that mellowed in finality but rather rejoiced at re-birth
she kept her eyes on the prize and gallantly walked towards the sunset

the mystery that she unleashed in the past few weeks
had opened her eyes almost as if another dimension had been in front of her the entire time
she was pleased with all the results
not everything she wished to happen for others did
but this will not be a quick sand of concern that struck more time
she had blissfully taken over her spirit and was now heading home

the view ahead echoed freedom and what she left behind
she will never look at again
when you have an idea - that soon gives birth to a plan
and the plan in turn bares results
what better way to celebrate in your victory
than cat strut - all the way home!

~The spirit inside~

I have always felt like I have a conscious thought - a voice inside my head that tells me whats right from wrong, a voice that questions everything i do and intricately watches the ways of others as well. This voice i would hope was my instinct and what i hopefully have discovered over the years is that when your ''spidey-senses'' wake the only thing you can do is listen - listen to the conscious voice. In essence, this psychism as i like to also call mine - drags up images of future events before they happen. Now not everyone can, share in this sometimes painful gift but it has helped me along the way from removing myself from unsavory situations before things get out of hand.

I can not be condemned for knowing these things and at the same time my reactions may cause much distress to others - but - the space i lend to any situation should not be taken lightly. It is TIME offered to the one that needs to learn the valuable lesson. Now, one may think that i am playing god, judging and sending out the jury on my whim but truth be told - i judge no one - i only wish the desire to learn upon others so they may lead a better life. A friend once told me i don't have thick skin, that she could only accompany people that bore this mark of armor - inside i felt deeply effected by such a bold remark - is this what we have friends for - to burn them. So i tested the waters the only way i knew how - let people play with no intervention from my behalf. This in many situations can have lots of results.

In the past, it showed me people that are willing to learn, people that have taken responsibility on their various issues but unfortunately it also showed me another side. A flippant disrespect to the true meaning behind everything, do spiteful people deserve the wealth of a wholesome friendship? should i bare more time to teach the unskilled that friendship is not about control and selfishness but rather to think of others first.

I pray sick to my stomach that this spirit that lives inside me never dies, that the voice that i have grown to count on hopefully finds a home in you....take a minute to breathe in the sea-blown air...try and remember that family comes first...be open to the challenges of life and when you need help ask...but most of all - support your friends in their endeavors and don't ever take them for granted...if you are not happy, the only person that can change that is you...and change - please do because the scarring you wish to enforce - like on so many others you have hurt, will not brush my cheek...instead these are choices you make that make my conviction clear.

love* learn* live*

~Electric Dreams~

Sleep between the covers lay
eyes still open - head at bay
my sullen thoughts - the days conversations
brought to my head - much commiseration

We sat front row all clothed in black
kohl eyes, lace gloves
even some wore hats

My dream filtered through the breeze of the day
Whose chair did we miss? Did someone not stay?
My sight was hit by the smell of red roses
all but one crying - who did not stay over?

I chased my dream - bring me back to my room
for the dark angels face i would not assume
a shock of death woke up my soul
for in reality - your wake up call - is home.

~Sometimes we say things we Just cnt hide~ June-buggs*

nothing-ness silence..the draft of the unspoken..an over worn ex's shirt...the painting of medusa..your vino half drunk but tempting...your wish...the rain will wash away the bad people...you sing...piano plays the end is near...before the next chapter*

tipsy-ness...always brings me closure...gives me new answers to old questions...lets me wonder down a new path of mystery and sometimes makes all my wishes come true*** i ♥ vino

paper work finally reducing...should be done by Friday...stress levels calming to a pause--at last...loving the myprodol swimming in me...caught a guy at work watching porn*....yay!!!..new slave!!!...now just need 2 de-jinx the-jinxed-boy....and purrfectiOn~

busy weekend ahead....taking in all my meds....trying to give everything a time...loving the displaced silence...wish I could hold onto the quiet just a little longer...take a lesson from Jack to b more self--self--interested :D ignoring the weak+desperate!!....need to make a wish list*...my prize when all my missions are matched~

u think u know..but you have no fucking clue..going to watch this play out till the cards r in my favour...(:

the devil has the power to assume a pleasing shape!!...from which he takes your weakest passion and turns it into the lapping flames of hell...contains your lust - wrapped around untamed beasts and lures your soul to be his one and only meat*

i know something i prob should tell u -- to save u sum unwanted hart-ache -- but -- hey -- what the hell....sometimes i like to watch u cry*

the most comfort and peace you will get from life is enjoying the quietness of solitude...no ignorance pushed on you..no faces you would never miss to see...separated from revolt mankind...that is my pure bliss*

the devil made me do it...

when you look at me...i will turn to stone*...everything is dead here....everything is cold!!!!!

full moon...harvest moon...no fucking wonder...but enjoying the view...

how can u lead a charmed life whilst still being pulled by puppet strings...time to let go of the past + release the present..eventually I will b free*

hOodratts...sexy catts...feel the pain - left out from her reign...see the light - that Once took your sight...claim the whore that sucks out - your bore...rape the fact - u act like your more...kill the catt before - she makes it the law***

wants to tame your beast...

huh...feel incredibly detached....want cow~boy boots....*LiCk*

needs to see pookie pie tonight....Pish tosh for those that are still being told what to do...whose your puppet~master???

letting g...

following ha instincts for Once***letting go of suicidal relationships...tainted love...toxic fights...half conscious nites...lies...people that try to be wise...death stares...who cares...wear my vic bueo clip-ons because it reminds me of the crone...my rabbit fur boots - cos im not that old...happy to have everything in the world + nothing at all***

letting go of everything that once trapped your mind...may seem hard to do wen u want to - but is much easier wen u have to...this has happened before....should've known it would happen again...i have no time for violence...i prefer the deafening silence***

hitting it w.pOokie tonight cause we fly like that..yo!

always looks soo-pah cute in a guys t-shirt + a crucifix...meOw!

is One step closer towards her spiritual journey...lots to learn before I take action...*excited*

tea and tarot w.miss s...cause kella knows best*

knows everything is going to be better than before..just takes some time...learn to love and live...be pure of heart*...it will bring the greatest friendship*

''He that is thy friend indeed -- He will help thee in thy need -- If thou sorrow -- he will weep -- If thou wake, he cannot sleep -- Thus of every grief in heart -- He with thee does bear a part -- These are certain signs to know -- Faithful friend from flattering foe!!!'' |U_U| >>> William Shakespeare

to feel the wind lift up your hair--to see the light shine through the fight--to watch the maiden take ha bow--to see the jester fail to row--to see the pain dance far away--to live the life where angels sway--to hear the ringing sound from ears--to kiss the lips that caused no tears ♥

feels like holding a sermon...if i could --- i would...but ill just get tipsy and banter along...need a soul to entertain...feel like birdcage and hunters :D

if it looks like a slut + talks like a slut...it probably even walks like a slut...guess what the mother-fucking thing is a -----> slut!!!

dont wanna have another ''who-r-we??'' nite just yet...thinking dvds + yumm food with pookie* then a spiritual awakening with sage and votive candles*....time to cleanse...and harmonize the the energies that escape us***

cant believe shes awake and breathing and conscious for a sat. morn...feeling strangely improved + healed + powerful***lucky catt back cause i know im better than that***meOw!!! |>_<|

is so close to bliss* I can taste it...yummm!!

fixed my soul -- now got to fix this bootay...!!!jogging after work!!!...may the goddess give me the strength i need to actually do it today *pray* |U_U|

happy that everyone is finally happy...yayayay...this is all i ever wanted...healthy minds -- healthy harts -- feel the Love***

lite shopping this morning...more shopping in a bit...i think iv found my new addiction***cant wait for the hartley fair >>>> bargain--shopping --> LICK!!!! (:

wants to b a pirates princess ♥

needs a shopping partner...girls just wanna have fun***

''I always knew you were a killer -- I could tell by your hooded eyes -- You got the ladies in waiting -- lighting up like fire flies -- I always knew you were a killer -- I could tell by your bloody guitar -- You like to stab it into everything -- Then pull it out when it gets too hard''...juliette & the licks

Junk food junkie...take-out temptress....day Of culinary indulgence Or just plain pigging out!!! (^oo^) Oinkk***

if i were a fraction less paranoid...my life would not be filled with such whimsy***

~Destined by my next mOve~

empty lace lies down the veil
my skin slits deep with nervous water
i touch the cards for one last try
your face is nothing less than their master

i once saw it lay, so bright with fire
of cos - for another boy
hes fate is sealed in times of sand
sifting through - times of desire

one cup, two hearts even a wheel to compare
these cards were out for laughter
i saw the devil lay down the last step
because love was the only answer

i took the picture inside my head and waited for the final glimpse
this tower of burden inside my head will turn into nothing but sin
so i am taking a break from whipping the show - into what i want it to be
ill sit back and watch till your gossip engulfs - the paranoid princess B

cos when the devil wakes - the chains will disrupt and freedom will be hitting our tongues

ill b happy to say hello again! to the lost son of a gun...

~Black & Blue~

Do you see me
sitting in this dark room with only one light
Do you see me
staring at the mirror smoke blurring my sight

I see another world not where we live or feel
i see the dead linger on, if only my face - were to peel
i see another girl - black eyes and auburn hair
i see myself being ripped to shreds, with only my soul to bear

Do you see me
walk through open doors
Do you see me
stand up straight on crystal floors

I see another mirror, a portal to my soul
i see the lights play slowly, the image now is whole
i see another girl - blue dress and glittered skin
i see myself the maiden, the second aspect of my sin

Do you see me - the only way i do
do you see me - the only way i see you.

~The dispOsable X~

i have begun to ponder after many conversations with an array of personalities, about the repetitive use of mentioning an ex in a chat, that has no bearing on things of the past. so i began to wonder about the stigma attached to always wanting what you don't think you can have and always being attracted to those that have hurt and almost destroy your heart. what is the fascination we have with all things that are bad for us?

it is a known fact that if we love someone we immediately become slaves to an emotion that seems to devour every logical way of thinking.This being said - what exactly is Love? My father always reminds me that Love is just a feeling - LOVE IS JUST A FEELING!!! so what does this mean does it have an expiration date like any other fickle emotion, jealously, guilt, sadness, doubt...and then i started to think really think, how many times have you been in love? how many times have you seen your friends fall in love and out of love? it happens all the time. there is no warning to say if your 'love' is going to last longer than any other person's. It happens every second of the day people are getting their hearts broken and moving right along to the next person.

But what about those that are left behind, those that don't seem to move along faster than average. How do they get back their life, their power and hopefully find true love. Tests done on college students say it took the average student the length of the relationship divided by 3 to get over their ex. This in my personal experience is about right, although my madness did leak into a few more months.

the only way to move forward is to stop thinking about them and start thinking about yourself. Do you really think they stay up all night wondering about you, fantasizing about your future together and how wonderful life could be - hell no! in my opinion, people will always do what they want, regardless of anyone else...yes maybe some of us are emotional door mats but the average person is not going to think about you when deciding whats going to make them happy - unless you do make them happy.

love is just a feeling yes, but it can take away months of our lives, raping us of our youth because we're too depressed to think about anything else or make us so violently insane people begin to think that we really have been chemically effected by the break up. Don't sell yourself short, your misery is already bringing the 'breaker upper'' the greatest joy, do you really want this person to revel in your emotional demise. don't get me wrong, i am not implying that you should brush your feelings aside but rather just deal with it, talk it out, get a hobby even if it has to be a destructive one...kick-boxing perhaps..throwing things from the roof to watch them crash..maybe?, but change, change the way you view yourself first because self pity and guilt will eat at you till you are nothing more than the remnants of a ''teenage love affair''.

~my asian persuasion~

it should only be fitting that i start my narration of this year with my most recent adventure....my Asian persuasion - my trip to china! This trip came at a time when my heart desperately needed a distraction and what better way than to forget the past...china called for business and i was more than happy to lend my opinionated character to all facets of work. So i left, completely bewitched and strangely in total denial till the very moment i stepped onto Chinese soil. My encounter with traveling in solitude left me dazed and confused, literally!! the only way i could brave the airports, strangers and authorities was to over-indulge in my old friend, and all time favorite drug - Myprodol.

So maybe i took more than prescribed and maybe when i looked out the window the clouds were smiling back at me, but i had a wonderful 'trip', fast flight no conscious thought! i reached china with much enthusiasm, met up with a friend had an hour to regroup and i was off. Dinner in china - not what i expected, chicken knuckles tempura style, i had to try it i had to try everything Chinese. Forget about jet lag or sleeping or the fact that my legs were numb i drifted down the river for a boat cruise and saw the city in lights - beautiful! Advertising never looked this nice! I later hit the ha ha club which is a completely different experience to any of the clubs in Durban. Chinese youth have an obsession with the drinking game liar liar and play it everywhere, even at night, in the club, while a Chinese singer promotes some pop English song better than the original artist.

My week slowed down and i enjoyed my favorite past time bargain shopping! The rush i got from that endeavor, no high could ever meet. i did business made some new lucky finds, knowing very well when i get back i will FINALLY be recognized as a vital asset in a once male dominated industry. China opened my eyes, there's no super rich, no super poor. everyone eats, food is cheap and there is no crime. something we can learn from visiting other countries is the way they see things, the way they view life....two very important things i have learnt is food should always be cheap, no one should ever go hungry, such a simple concept that our country fails to provide. And finally dont think just do! the Chinese don't mull over ideas and thoughts, the minute they think it, its put in to action...the economy is booming - there is more movement there then anywhere else in the world. No one is loitering around everyone is on a mission, everyone has a purpose, no one gossips, the only thing important to the Chinese is family and work!

There is a lot to be learnt from traveling yes i went for business but i came back with a wealth of knowledge that for me, is super priceless.

~the raping of my blogs virginity~

As I sway through the streets of my life I begin to wonder, about me - my drrty littered thoughts, about everyone else and why we are, the way we are and why we seem to exist in a parallel stratosphere of ourselves. I have slowly enjoyed the idea that every one of us is hiding inside, a doppelganger, a part hidden so well even we never dare to look at! But its there, be it the demoness that prowls over the excitement when night falls or the secret mistress of our thoughts, that twists the minds of others. We all have her, call her what you will, she is the side of every women that answers those penetrating questions, a side we all have but are too kitten to embrace...be brave..Follow me - Its time to investigate the female prowess of THE CATTS MEOW!!!